


Shattered

by SigynNightmare



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hunter X Hunter
Genre: "The prank", Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Based on a weird and crazy dream, Broken Sirius, Control Issues, Crack, Creepy Hisoka (Hunter X Hunter), Dark Sirius Black, Double personallity, F/M, Food Poisoning, Illumi and Sirius are different people, Illumi being reincanated as Sirius Black, Illumi is a good (but creepy) older brother, Illumi is not good with feelings, Insanity, Just so you know., M/M, Murder, Peter is an adorable bean, Prongs is confused as fuck, References to Depression, Regulus is an adorable bean, Remus feels guilty when he shouldn´t, Sharing a Body, Snape incident, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Nothing, This is crack, Weird. Like really weird., a fix it of sorts, but one being at the same time., yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-15 05:05:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18491950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SigynNightmare/pseuds/SigynNightmare
Summary: There is no way to fix things.They hate me.Just as much, or even more, as my Family does.I let a broken laugh scape form my lips. And then, I can´t stop. I start laughing, giggling like a mad man. It´s just funny. Mother was right after all. She always had been right.I´m nothing but my last name and I was just fooling myself trying to pretend other thing. But most important: I´m a disgrace. A failure.





	1. Grantors of disgrace, don´t wake me again.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a weird dream that put Illumi as Sirius and it won´t leave my head so I decided to write it. That´s it.

I had thought that I would never felt this alone anymore. That I had found in my friends, a place where I could belong. A place where I could be myself and still be loved. And, maybe I did. Because, James, Remus and Peter were the closest thing I had to a family and they liked me as I was, accepting me for being Sirius. Padfoot. And not what the Black Household wanted me to be…but.

But, not anymore. They hate me know. And I couldn’t blame them. I had fucked up so much that–

I have to fight down the nausea and put my trembling hand over my mouth so I don´t end up puking all over the floor. I felt sick, just remembering Moony´s face when he realized what exactly I had done. Oh, Morgana. His eyes as he realized that I had betrayed the Marauders; betrayed _him._  

_Fuck._

I knew I had fucked up before that. But, was in that moment, when it really hit me what had I done. I have destroyed all our years of trust and friendship…and I…I had put moony in a horrible, terrible, situation that could – If Prongs hadn´t intervened, would.– potentially made him a murdered, the monster he was so afraid of being.

And that. That. Was. Unforgivable.

I understood his rage. Their rage. Hurt. And Hate.

I would be feeling the same if someone had done me something like that. So, I _knew_ I deserved everything; from the hurtful words, to the pouch James had gift me, to the cold shoulder they had been given me for the last three weeks.

Still….

I couldn’t take it anymore.

My body shake as I tried to keep the sobs down. I never liked crying, feeling weak. But I hadn´t stop from hours, actually I´m a little surprised that I possess tears anymore. My eyes hurt, as do my lungs. My lips are bleeding form how hard I had been biting them.

I wish I could take it all back. That I could go back and never told Snape the secret we had work so hard to keep to ourselves; to help Remus and protect him. To return to the times I could smile and laugh without thinking, just enjoying my life with my friends, with my brothers.

But I know I can´t.

I can´t.

I can´t.

I can´t.

There is no way to fix things.

They hate me.

Just as much, or even more, as my Family does.

I let a broken laugh scape form my lips. And then, I can´t stop. I start laughing, giggling like a mad man. It´s just funny. Mother was right after all. She always had been right.

I´m nothing but my last name and I was just fooling myself trying to pretend other thing. But most important: I´m a disgrace. A _failure._

Failure.

That´s all I ever was. Never enough.

Terrible son.

Terrible friend.

Terrible brother.

_Never enough never enough never enough never enough never enough never—_

I took a step forward.

I fall.

 

* * *

_“Illu-nii.”_

_White hair, blue eyes. Warm filling his chest. A soft smile on his lips_

_“This is your little brother, Illumi. You must always protect him. Alright?”_

_Curiosity: He never have had a little brother. Fear: The little thing in his arms was just too fragile. He could break it. Proud: His mother trust him with this treasure. Happiness: The little thing had smiled at him!_

_“Assassins don´t need friends, Kil.”_

_Irritation: His brother should know better. He taught him better. Why was he being so rebellious? Why he insisted on contradicting him?_

_“That thing is not part of the Family. Rules don´t apply to him.”_

_Frustration: Why don´t you get I´m only trying to protect you. To protect our family. That thing is dangerous. It´s going to destroy us. Anger: Get away from that thing! It´s dangerous. It can hurt you. It can hurt Kalluto, Milluki, Mom, Dad, Grandfather. Why can you don´t get it, Kil?!_

_“Hisoka and I are engaged.”_

_Curiosity. Satisfaction. Butterflies revolting all over his stomach._

_“How could you, Kalluto?”_

_Hurt. Anger. Hurt._

_“We are married now…I can´t kill you…”_

_Detached. Lost. Confused._

_“Hisoka.”_

_Warm._

_“Killua!”_

_No, no, no, no, no._

_Please, no. Everything but this. Not Killua. Not his brother. Not his sunshine. Not his treasure._

_Hurt. Hurt. Hurt._

_Devastation. Despair. Agony._

 

* * *

The first gasp for air was difficult, painful. I was lying down over wet dirt. Over my right side. My head resting on my right arm. I blinked a few times. Why was I on the floor? Why was I hurting? What had happened?

_Focus._

Right. I needed to focus. Reconnaissance. I slowly moves my body, first my legs, then, my arms, my fingers. I had nothing broken. Bruised ribs, undoubtedly. And a big, ugly, cut on my abdomen. It had stung as I moved and make me felt dizzy, making evident that over the concussion I evidently had I also was losing too much blood to be healthy.

 _Look for help._

Right. I needed to get up and find someone who could help me (Because, I was horrible at healing spells. I really needed to learn them, tough. Why hadn´t I?), so I could actually survive the night. Now. Where to go? Not with Madam Pomfrey. That for sure. Too much questions. Then, Hagrid. Yes. That´s a good option.   

Getting up is more difficult I thought it would be. My entire body was shaking and I couldn´t find my coordination anywhere. My head hurt. My side hurt. And for the gods I couldn´t get why this was the only thing I could think about. It´s stupid.

_Pathetic._

I know. Let’s hope that as Grimm I have an easier time.

The transformation comes naturally. I don´t even have to think about it.

I’m on four legs in a blink. My mind changes as well. It´s easier to think. Animals have a very simple focus. And it felt _good_ to be able to resent my mind in the correct mind-set.

I got up, directing my steps towards the limit of the forest, towards Hagrid´s hut. Walking as fast as I could, because, the forest was full of things bigger and meaner than me. And I didn’t want to be eaten.

I let a sad sound as I get close. Trying to catch the half-giant attention. I have to repeat the sound a few times, as I got near to the door, but finally I got it right. Hagrid comes out and lets a horrified gasp as he sees me. Probably because I let a hot and red tail behind me and my legs shake so much I fear that they will brake form a moment for another.

He got close to me without fear and took me into his arms, which was quite the surprise, because, I´m not actually what you would call small in this form. But, maybe. He was stronger than he looked due to his nature as half-breed. Not like normal humans.

He treats my wounds so careful and tender that I let myself to lick his hand. Like Mike used to do when he was happy with me and my brothers. He smiles at me and I shake my tail.

The methods are muggle-like. Herbal ointments. Plants of the forest. Thinks I could gathered myself. It´s good to know. I will ask about it later.

It´s cosy inside the hut. I´m allowed near the fire and in a comfy bed. The other dog, a puppy, doesn’t seem too happy about it, but he´s also seems too scared of me to get closer that three meters of me.

Kind of sad.

I would like to cuddle.

I huff a laugh. That´s stupid. I don´t cuddle. The concussion is worse than I thought. My mind is still not in the right place, being a dog helps a lot, but´s not enough.

I need to put myself together.

I close my eyes and let my respiration become rhythmical (In. Out. In. Out.) Letting myself into the trance my parents had taught me when I was three as the first step of my training. I had always been good at putting the broken pieces together; much better than my brothers.

_My fathers were always happy with me._

They had always been pleased with my abilities. Even when they decided to make Killua the heir, they let me train him. Raise him. They allow me to take Kill as mine.

_My brothers loved me._

They all smiled at me when they were young. Even that thing. They like to play with me, learn from me. Having me at their side. Were sad when I couldn´t spent time with them for my missions.

_Family is the most important thing in my life._

I love my family.

I love my brothers.

My brothers _are_ my life.

_I will do anything for the ~~Zoldyck~~ Black Household. _

_I will do anything for my family._

 


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, Sirius woken up before the dawn. He had a very soft footstep for a dog of his size, but then, he wasn´t a normal dog. It would be ridiculous that an omen of death would nothing but silent.

He felt better. A lot better. He was aware that it couldn´t be the herbal ointments, because it felt like magic. He didn’t put a lot of thought on it. He has better things to do, after all.

Sirius crosses the hut and disappears back into the forest without waking Hagrid. He walks with confidence. He knows there isn’t a creature that can hurt him inside these woods. He had walk among them for years now and he is one of the most dangerous things inside it.

He is thirsty, so he goes to the lake. Once he has drink enough he jumps, deciding that taking a bath would be a good idea, he needs to be presentable for the day that awaits him.

He goes out and transforms back into his human form. He´s soaked. The wet robes wet adheres to his body and his dark hair is over his face, he´s faintly aware of this as the lake shows him his reflection. There is something off with it, but he decides to shrug it off. He doubts it’s actually important.

He takes his wand and whisper a drying charm, a reparo, and a glamour. Once he´s satisfied with his looks he walks to the castle. Breakfast should be soon; he needs to eat and cheek on his brother.  

He enters into the dining hall, going directly to the end of the table. Near the door. So he can see who enters and is close enough to the exit to react quickly if something happens. His favorite food appears in front of him: Rice balls stuffed with Natto and green tea.

It´s a meal his Mother would disapprove. But one he always had enjoyed, mostly for the simplicity of it. He sends a silent thanks to the house elves and starts eating. It seems to be actually a very good decision, because he feels like he hadn´t eaten in days and the onigiri are soft enough that he can eat them without puking.

The tea, on the other hand, is terrible. But Sirius force himself to drink it. It’s a good way to reinitiate his training.

His attention is captured when Regulus enters into the dining room, accompanied of a few Slytherins, one that has a hand over the shoulder of his little brother. Sirius narrows his eyes. Regulus is good at not showing his discomfort, but not that good to follow him. His brother is obviously uncomfortable with the older boy with long blond hair and blue eyes touching him.

He´s on his feet in the next second. Walking over where they are, catching with them before his brother can take a seat on his own table.

“Regulus.” 

His name hadn´t been said with that tone, and for that person, in years. So hearing it had startled him, not enough to make him jump, but enough to drag a breath. He turned, confused and irritated. He wasn´t having a good morning and Sirius presence would only make it worse.

He wasn´t the only to turn. Lucius did the same, with a smirk on his face; because all in the green and silver house knew that the rest of the Marauders had pushed Sirius out and for the last weeks the older son of the Black House hold had been a walking disaster.

Malfoy probably though he would find on his brother a victim.

He could not be more wrong.  

Sirius expression was calm; almost empty. Which alone is disconcertingly enough as his older brother was an emotional person. His face always had writing his sentiments, unless of course he had the “Black Mask” on, but even then, his eyes would let you tell how he was feeling in truth. Because, Sirius´ eyes contained a storm. They were always alive.

That was make it terrifying finding Sirius glance almost as empty as his expression, if not more. There wasn’t anger or disgust, nor anything else. For all his eyes were close to a cloudy sky, now the only think Regulus could think was of the void when he saw into them.  

If Lucius paling and closing his mouth with an audible snap is a tell, he isn´t the only one who found the change disturbing.

Sirius hand is over his right wrist before he can react, but once Regulus realizes his eyes snap to the grip, it’s not hard enough to hurt, but sure it feels like he would not be able to free himself without recurring to do something below himself.

Still, his brother is not looking at him at all. His empty gaze is focused on Lucius and the other Slytherin.

“If you touch my brother again. I will rip your arm off.”

It sends a shiver to all their spines. Not for the words in themselves, but for the way Sirius had spoken them. It was soft, almost absent-minded. Like he had not just promised to rip out a limb of other person.

Regulus know his brother can be quite savage and cruel. But this is entirely different. There is no malice, no uncaring satisfaction of seeing others suffer, no cold fury, no bloodlust. Nothing.  Maybe that´s the reason why he doesn’t fight when Sirius start pulling him over the Gryffindor table. And takes a seat when his older brother gestures him to do it.

He´s curious, because Sirius seems oblivious to the stares they´re receiving, but also because no one tells them anything. And there is an evidently gap from where they´re seated and where everyone else is sitting. Like half the table. It just not that obvious because it’s too early and there are no many students in the hall yet.

“Eat.”

His brother says after food appears and Regulus doesn’t move. It´s not actually harsh. But, the word is an order. Regulus should not feel that compelled to obey him. But it does. Because it feels like similar to Mother´s tone when she expects to be obeyed and the consequences of not doing it hanged heavily over his head.

So he does.  

And Sirius hums, pleased, as he refocus his attention on estrange cup filed with something that looks like tea, but Regulus had never seen on his life.  

Breakfast is quiet. They don´t spoke more to each other until Regulus is almost finishing his food.

“What´s your schedule for today?” His older brother asks, sounding somewhat irritated. Like it pains him to ask.

Once Regulus answers, Sirius nods and says. “I will walk you to your first class.” As he gets up, motioning Regulus to follow.

It’s weird. And uncomfortable. But also, nice, in the aspect that he was spending time with his older brother. Which is something that hadn’t happened since before he arrived to this school. And furthermore, Sirius was showing interest in him in a way that was not like a victim of a practical joke. It´s certainly enjoyable change.  

“Have a good day, Reg.”

Sirius says in a kind of joyful, mind-absent, tone that creeps him out. ´Cause it´s _wrong_. But also, finds curious that his brother almost sound like when they were children as he says his name; when Sirius still loved him.  

As he sees his brother go, he finds that he would not mind if Sirius stayed like this a little more.  


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! 
> 
> Let me know what you think, alright? ;)

After the first day is easy to reach a routine; Sirius likes this routine.  

On mornings he wakes up before down, then he takes a quick shower on the lake, fix his clothes and appearance. Then, has breakfast with Reg, walks him to his first class and go to his own. He goes to class, takes notes and later he eats lunch with Regulus in the gardens and they practice together the spells they had learned that day or discussed the theory.  In the afternoons, he goes to the Library and does his best to do every homework as perfect as he can. Learning magic is easy. A lot easier that learning to use Nen. So when he has time he goes through the rest of the curriculum of the year, learning more and more.

It becomes easy, almost too easy, as the weeks pass.  Because he´s a fast learner. Always had been. And mastering skill after skill is something he does almost without noticing, because otherwise, he would not have survived in his line of job. Nor inside his family.

The Black Household was not different in that aspect. It was expected of him to be the best. He was the older son, after all. He had to set the example and make sure the family status keep in the highest regard.  

After spending his afternoon in the library, he goes tip-toing to the dorms, takes what he needs and goes to the kitchen so he can have dinner. Then, goes back to the forest and changes back into his Grimm form and finds a good place to sleep. Sometimes deep in the woods and other times near Hagrid’s hut, depending on how he feels or the type of night it is.  

Like, on moon nights. In moon nights he sleeps inside the hut. Hagrid doesn’t seem to mind at all and Sirius can´t phantom _why_ he has to do this. Just that he needs to.

For the first two months he felt like he was in pilot. But as time passed, his heart started to warm up and he started to smile softly as he helps his little brother with his homework. And the reaction he gets is one he will treasure forever: Regulus smiling; bright and full of joy.

None of his brothers had act that way before. Assassins didn’t need responses as mundane as that. He was glad, though, that Regulus hadn’t been raised as an assassin, because this way he could conserve this kind of precious moments for a little longer.

Of course, as his heart started to go soft and his mind slowly started to return to a more “normal” mind-set, he realized something was wrong. His memory were foggy as fuck. And he had the sentiment he was forgetting something important.

Not sure what, though.

But as he pushed up with his psychical training (as well as the poising tolerance one.) he decide that it actually didn’t mattered. Because he had a lot in his plate already, and so, anything that didn’t fell in the category of taking care of his brother, be the best representation of his Household he could be and recovering his abilities, could go to hell for what he cared.   

* * *

 

Lily Evans was the first one to notice how wrong things had got with Sirius Black. She, as any other Gryffindor, was aware that the Marauders have had a brake out. It was impossible not notice when the change in their dynamic affected the entire house.  But she had better thing to focus on. Like her studies and the fall out of her friendship with Severus Snape. Still, she was an observant person.

So noticing Sirius practicing muggle martial arts – graceful and dignified, like he had do them all his life in the gardens as the son started to fall. Every day, without falling. – was enough to make her curious so she started watching him more closely. And what she found disturbed her entirely.

She had never liked Black that much. More like she felt disgust for him and Potter, but had known him enough that she could say the basics about his personality: Arrogant, flashy, bold and shameless.  He was nothing like that anymore.  He was entirely calm. Not arrogant, but still confident. Subtitle, like he didn’t want to catch more attention than he necessary. Though, he still walked like he owned the castle.  

He was also, always, in company of what Lily though was his little brother (They looked too similar to not be related closely) and passed of the rest of the Marauders. And everyone else.  In a way that started to worry her, because for what she could tell, Black wasn’t in the common room at any time of the day and for what she could say he didn’t sleep in the boys´ room.

He was a member of her House, even if they were not friends, she had a responsibility to him, so she tried to talk Remus about this, but the blond boy refuse to touch the topic.  

It was pretty obvious he was still pretty upset for whatever Sirius had done. And so were the other two. Because the three of them pretended they didn’t see or hear the other boy, they practically avoid him and declared to the world that they didn’t care anymore.

She thought that couldn´t be more bullshit if they tried. But truth was they were blind to what Black did or didn’t do.  At least until he did something that could not be ignored anymore.   

* * *

 

Sirius was in a bad mood. His body felt like it was on fire. It wasn´t the worst pain he had experimented, but it was more the other symptoms what made him act like an irritated younger man who threatened to snap to whoever spoke to him. His entire stance screamed murder. Which was not actually that strange, because he had always had been susceptible to the Black temperament, and for all he was a playful and mischievous spirit, there were days when he reminded people why you shouldn´t mess with a member of the House of Black.

Of course, the Marauders had always been there for him and so those moods didn’t tend to last long. But, that was the past. Now, he didn’t have them. He didn’t even remembered them as his broken mind had erased them so he wouldn´t need to suffer more than the necessary.  

(They had been clear, after all. He wasn´t one of them anymore. They didn’t need him. So he didn’t need them.)

He had a terrible headache—

Mostly occasioned for the two voices arguing as they screamed at each other: One, roughed and defensive, who wanted to go to a lonely place to rest until the poison wasn’t messing with his entire being. And the other, who was much more logical, insisted that he needed to attend to class. It didn’t mattered how terrible he was feeling or that he already knew what Mcgonagall was teaching, because skipping class, would be beneath him.

And the voice of the teacher was doing anything but help.

He hadn´t meant to snap. But when the Head of House asked him if he was paying attention his only patience left evaporated.

“No. I´m not paying attention.” He said though clenched teeth. Dark grey eyes flashing.

Of course, this offended the old professor.

But Sirius wasn’t over. He stood up and faced her, not intimidated in the sightless.  He realized the spell in his first tried. Not even needing to see what he was doing. His eyes never leaving hers.

“I already know this.” He told her; his voice trembling.

He felt terrible and maintaining the pain he felt from appearing in his tone was taking a lot of him. And decided that even if it was beneath him he needed to go and find a peaceful place where he could suffer in silence, because if he didn’t get his temper on leash, he would end doing something stupid he would surely regret latter on.

So he took a deep breath and forced himself to say. “I apologize.” As he dropped his gaze to the ground. He hated this falsity that manners required of him, but well, he didn’t had other choice. “I´m aware that my behaviour is not adequate. I´m not feeling alright. May I be excused?”

Mcgonagall was not happy about this, that was obvious, but she allowed him to retire.  Sirius takes his things as quickly as he can and flees of the classroom. He feels awful. 

_This is why you should start whit poisons when you´re young, dammit!_

He has gone through this before. It frustrates him without limit that now he can even go thought this like he remembers doing when he was much younger. It shouldn´t be this difficult. But it  _is_. And he hates it.

He hates it _so much._

He feels tears crow in his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. _He´s an assassin for Merlin sake!_ He shouldn´t feel this emotional.

Why is he feeling this emotional in the first place?! It could be the poison? No. The physical symptoms, yes. But the mind related ones? Not at all. Because, he knew how this poison feels.

And this is not.

He was never this weak before.  He knows it. And this only makes the feeling that something is off grow a lot more, but as he changes back and runs to the forest, to his haven (a little cave near the land that belonged to the centaurs, but sufficiently far away that they didn’t have any desire to kill him for intruding. Also, sometimes he could find a few unicorns that were not that impressed with him.), he allows himself to forget a little about it.

Animals had simpler needs. In this case, what he need is heal. Rest. And that is what he does. At least until the sun goes down, when he returns to being human once again, because guilty filled his being.

He knew he had worried Regulus, but he also knows it was better this way than allow his little brother see him this defeated.  Nerveless, he knows he has to return to the castle this nigh, at least to reassure him a little and luckily had dinner together.

As he enters the dining hall, Regulus comes running at him, concern written all over his face. And warm fills Sirius´ chest. He really have the cutest brother. He allows himself to pet his head like he did with Kalluto; entirely devoted, tender and caring.

He feels happy, at peace, in this short moment.

And for that, he didn’t pay attention to the three pair of eyes that followed all his movements. Even when he should have. But well, he would learn about his mistake when his world shatter around him one more time.  


End file.
